Slipping

Being vegan was tough, but it created some pretty strict rules that I just couldn't break. I could adjust the rules -- such as when I added seafood into my diet -- but the rules were equally strict, they just changed. When I started eating some meat (and writing this blog) I tried to keep those rules strict and just adjust them the same way I did with seafood, but once I could eat any kind of meat, etc. under the proper conditions, it becomes so much more fluid and subjective. It has partly depended on my own judgment, somewhat unclear information, and largely my own discipline. And that just hasn't worked as well as I hoped. It has resulted in me occasionally eating pretty much anything I want: regular burgers (though never fast food), ribs or steak at restaurants, ice cream and cheese that I know nothing about, etc. (It is worst with cheese.) And this has also lead me towards eating much more meat and animal products. Where I started out with the intention of adding some meat to my diet (such as a couple times a week), it is not infrequent that I eat some form of meat daily and it wouldn't be that rare for me to eat it twice a day. This is exactly what I should not be doing and what I hoped I never would fall into.

There are far too many variables out there to know the truth, but I can say that as I've fallen down this worse path of eating I have continually gained weight, I have less energy, and I certainly feel unhealthy. Gone are the days when I diligently made my own salad with my own dressing every single day, or made large batches of soups and stews over the weekend to chip away at all week or pull from the freezer anytime I wanted. Now my freezer is filled with Amy's frozen foods and hemp milk ice cream, and my my cabinets are filled with cans of soup and pasta sauce. I managed to eat fruit for breakfast every weekday and even had my homemade dried fruit to take on the plan when I traveled. My intake of fresh fruits and vegetables has fallen to dismally low levels. I have bags upon bags of all sorts of varieties of whole grains, lentils, etc. that go completely untouched for seemingly seasons. This all sounds a bit dramatic and as though I am perhaps too hard on myself. I've always described food and eating as a journey as we discover what works and doesn't work well with our bodies, how we value ethics and other factors in our food products, and so forth.

For me I have certainly taken a turn down the wrong road. I think where I really fall flat is when I'm longing for comfort food like the orange chicken I used to love or the amazing knife and fork ribs I haven't had for so many years. But it consistently leaves me feeling worse -- guilty for my lack of willpower, disgusted by my lack of health, embarrassed that I spend so much time reading, thinking and talking about these topics but can't even follow my own logic. Hopefully this is just a stray path and I'll find my way back soon enough. That is my new goal. I'm confident I can make it back but will do so through a minefield of temptations.